mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
