I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize