Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize