your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
