So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
