at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
