this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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