My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
