There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize