three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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