I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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