no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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