Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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