he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You made out with two different species that night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
