You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize