Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Acid is not a monday night drug
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
