Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
