Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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