So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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