Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
