The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
