So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
