Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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