I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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