I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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