Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
