Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
