Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
