I wanna bring you to show and tell
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
