Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
