I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
