I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
