I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
