how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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