Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
