If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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