Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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