ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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