My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
this is an emotional support booty call
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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