yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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