remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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