"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
