I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
