Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if only i could text you this smell
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
