; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
