I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
