I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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