You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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