I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
