do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
