I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
