Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
