I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
