mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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