Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
