and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
