before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
