Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
