so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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