So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
