i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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