i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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