dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
