I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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