I want to have your abortion
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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