you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
