There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
