I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
