I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
